Very Interesting

So I was going through my myspace blog account and came across this blog I had written a few years ago. It was after a conversation with my friend Meche. And the premise of the post was that many assume what you are like before ever getting to know you. Judging you before ever even speaking, we’re all guilty of it. I also talk about hiding behind walls and masks, and the person I really am and the missed opportunities and the ‘What Ifs’ of life. It was very interesting to read to say the least. I’m not sure if I still agree with what I wrote or not, but that’s the fun of growing older I suppose.
Here’s an excerpt:

“I never imagined I would be where I am today. In many ways I am a failure, in others a survivor. I have been through unimaginable situations, I have seen things I still have nightmares about. I am not feeling sorry for myself, that’s just not who I am. I believe God has put me here for a reason. I don’t know his path for me yet. I have no doubt in my mind though, I want to help others.
For the longest time I thought my world was shattered after some of things I have been through, and yet…here I am. I have picked up the pieces and have moved on. This blog isn’t a cry for help, don’t get that impression. I don’t need the violins going and what not. Everyone has been through devastating things in their lives. I have missed chances where I could have given the effort to be happy. I have also given up some of those chances by choice. Others…I didn’t know existed until I spoke up about them, and now it’s too late. (yes…you know what I am talking about if you remember the conversation). I do not believe we are meant to just settle on something, we are given choices. My choice is to be upfront and honest, what’s yours?
I am much deeper than most think. I am intelligent when I need to be. I do have thoughts that won’t leave me until I write them down, then again that’s the whole reason for having a journal or a blog isn’t it?  If you are wondering where this is coming from…ask the question…don’t make assumptions. You may not know what you think you know about me. I keep to myself most of the time and I do not voice my opinions unless I truly feel something is wrong with a situation or I am asked. That doesn’t mean I am trying to judge you, it’s my opinion don’t ask for it if you aren’t wanting the truth. I don’t believe that running from problems are going to get anyone anywhere. I’m tired of running…and I’m tired of putting on masks. I’m too old and I have too much to offer someone. “

Had sort of a flashback for a moment. I’m not sure what prompted me to write it. But hey, it makes sense to me. The other parts of the blog are too personal, and I’d rather not share. But reviewing this did bring a quote to mind, that at the time I wrote the post I didn’t know:

“Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.”- Lois McMaster Bujold

Take it as you will

Looking back- have your opinions change? Or have you reinvented yourself? If so, are you happy with what you’ve become and/or decided?

 

Much Love,
K

 

Sleep…I need it…

So for the first time since moving into the house, I was by myself. My roomie went to see her family yesterday at the beach for a few days. Which normal people would be absolutely fine being by themselves, excited almost to have the entire house to themselves. I am not a normal person. I hate being alone. As a result I hardly slept last night. Every sound had me jumping up and making sure I had locked the house down tight. If the dogs whined, I was up checking out the windows. While I was in the shower I continually had to peek around the curtain, you know… just to make sure. After I finally passed out at like 11pm, I’d hear  the house shift and immediately be up and making sure no one had broken in. When I woke up again at 2am, I gave up trying to sleep and just sat up straight in my bed and watched tv. It was becoming stupid, even the cats were sleeping. I was tired and needed sleep, so naturally I cleaned the bathroom. After tiring myself out once again I layed down and closed my eyes, finally…sleep. As if on cue my alarm started blaring. I think I made up a few words as I jumped up and nearly burst into tears.

I think even the dogs felt bad for me, as they didn’t even try to jump at me when I walked into the back and gave them a pleading look to go to the bathroom quickly. When they came back in Hailey sat on my feet and nudged my hand on her head and gave me a look as if to say “It’s ok, nothing will happen as long as we’re here” and I was finally comforted. Yeah…I think the dogs will sleep inside tonight.

Hope you all had a restful night…

Much Love,
K

Who woulda thunk it…

 (I really cringed a bit when I wrote that title btw)
Saturday my mom and step-father had a HUGE cookout at their house filled with family, friends, our family’s friends…etc etc etc. We’re talking nearly 100 people showed up throughout the entire event. Which went on from 1pm to 6pm and probably would have went on longer had a storm not started up.

I had no idea who a good portion of the people there. However, I did know more than I thought I would. And quite a few knew me, surprisingly enough. One man used to work with mom a long time ago, I didn’t remember him until he started talking about the drink machine downstairs at her work. I used to con all the men into buying me drinks after school and to get help with my homework. Even at the age of 10, I knew I was in control! It was hilarious.

The kids would attack us with water pistols and the occasional bubbles, then run away screaming at the top of their lungs. The adults threw horseshoes and played bat-mitten or volleyball. We ate, became miserable then ate somemore. And I learned how to throw horseshoes!! Before finally making it towards the little pole, I almost took my roomie’s head off, twice…and a window. But it’s part of the learning process right? Lol.

On top of all that it was my god-brother’s graduation that day as well, extremely proud of him. And I feel extremely old too.

Enjoy the slideshow below:

| View Show | Create Your Own

Hope you have a great day!

Much Love,
K

That’s kind of creepy…

So I was reading an article AOL about Journey found a new lead singer…and compared them. Are you guys ready for this creepiness?
The Original: Steve Perry

Now the new guy

He sounds just freaking like him! I kept trying to see if I could tell if the guy was lip synching to a backtrack or not. How crazy is that?

Happy Fathers Day to all the Dads out there!! And have a great weekend!

Much Love,
K

I’ve lost it…

I decided to enter into a whole other level of dorkiness and started a blog specifically dealing with the WoW world. Scary I know. Lol.

So you should all breathe easy that I will no longer spread my gamer times on my normal blog anymore

Much Love,
K

For Mom

I was thinking about you today, and though you never read my blog I wanted to do a special post about you. Heard this on the radio for the first time in forever, then I read a blog about dedications and took it as a sign. So here you go:

Thank you for loving me and helping grow all these years. During the times when I felt I could never rise from bottom of my emptiness, you blinded me with the compassion others could only envy. You let me go out to make my mistakes and held the door open when I came crawling back with my tail between my legs. Thank you for being everything I could only hope to be.

 

Much Love,
K

Two seconds flat

Mumbling I rummaged through my purse, my cell was ringing off the hook and I muttered about needing to change my ring tone. Someone was calling back to back. Glancing at the id screen my grandparents name flashed,  but when I answered the voice on the line didn’t register in my arsenal of faces to match up to. “Kimmie, it’s Bill” My uncle sounded desperate, and his voice trembled with fear causing me to fight to keep my own composure, “What’s going on?”. His draw is much thicker when he’s upset, and I could feel a chill riding up my spine as I asked what was going on again. ”I need you to meet your grandpa at the hospital, the ambulance is here to get mom, someone needs to sit with him”.
I felt the blood run out of my face, in two seconds my Sunday went from just a normal trip to Wal-Mart for groceries to sitting in the emergency room holding my grandfather’s hand assuring him everything would be ok. I slide my stare to the DVR clock in the living room, 8:30am. There was no amount of mantra to get my head back on straight. After jumping in my car I was running nearly 90mph on 40/85 trying to get to Regional, my uncle did not have any details as to what was going on or if he did, he was not in the state of mind to share them. I pressed redial again to my father’s house, I knew he wasn’t there. Sunday was golf day. But I refused to give up waking his wife or her kids. I grabbed a parking spot half way up the lot, I swear the emergency room is always full. And those who work there probably know my name now thanks to the bout of episodes Tara had the past few years. I pulled down my visor mirror and winced, I looked like the living dead. Mascara and a hint of the shimmer eyeshadow I had worn the night before ran down the side of my cheek, I was white as a ghost except the freckles across my nose and my eyes showed my terror. I scrubbed trying to get the make-up off as I walked into the waiting room and glanced around, no sign of my grandfather. I had beat the ambulance there and had enough time to concentrate on being optimistic rather than my normal pessimistic self. After a run to the bathroom I walked outside with my wet papertowel still trying to get the pesky make-up off and saw the ambulance blazing into the lot, I watched quietly as they rolled my grandmother out of the back and into the automatic doors. She was awake, and apparently delusional. She had mumbled something to the EMT and he burst into laughter. Fairly good sign I suppose. Ten minutes later I saw my grandfather trying to walk as fast as he could down the sidewalk, he relaxed when he saw me smiling at him in front of the doors. He still was extremely thin from the radiation treatments last year, and was fragile looking. I found us some seats and set my purse in the seat I would be taking and gingerly approached the front desk. I wanted the lady at the front desk to write our names down to go see her when she was stable. The nurse instantly recognized me from working with her mother at Discovery Program, and promised that as soon as she knew we would. I was still trying to get my dad on the phone, four calls later his wife finally answered. After I left my message with her, and all we could do was wait. 

Finally the nurse allowed my grandfather to go back and see her and I stepped outside to call around again. After about 10 minutes my grandfather came out and told me she wanted to see me.  I walked past the other rooms and tried to keep my vision fixed in front of me, not wanting to pry into the other patients problems and make them even more uncomfortable. About the time I rounded the corner to her room my palms began to sweat again. I wasn’t sure what condition she was in or even why she was there for that matter. Grandpa was too upset about whatever had happened and didn’t want to talk about it when he first arrived. After making a bit of small talk, the ER nurse came in and I finally had to full story as to what happened. Apparently Saturday she had passed out but had refused medical treatment, and felt fine afterward just a little shortness of breath. This fateful morning she was trying to walk into the kitchen and she passed out cold promptly getting sick as it occurred, my grandfather had ran next door and he and the neighbor had gotten her up and washed her up and cleaned and what not and then called 911. As the ambulance arrived she began to have major complications with breathing. And they were keeping her, because they were not able to determine why these symptoms were happening. The nurse then informed me they had just given her a few drugs to help her “relax”, in other words she was about to trip on meds. I sat with her for a bit longer and she asked me to run to her house to pick her up a few items. I began to take note and at first it was the normal items, a brush, socks, another house coat and then she suddenly told me that I had to make sure I picked up the tomato out of the bottom left drawer. Startled I glanced up and her eyes were glazing over, and she began to giggle uncontrollably.  Holy hell my grandmother was higher than a kite. By the time I was leaving to go get the items she told me that she figured after grandpa had all the attention the past couple years because of the cancer she figured it was her turn to show her butt. I was met by my father and his wife as I walked back out into the waiting room, and I greeted them and explained what happened and that she was ok…just a little doped up.

Two days later we now know the following: 1. She’s diabetic  2. The new blood thinner her primary doctor had ordered was entirely too high of a dosage and was causing the blood flow to her lungs to decrease significantly 3. My Grandmother must have been a really great person to party with in her day.

Hopefully she will be released today, she looked much better yesterday when I visited her during my lunch. Her color has finally returned to normal and though she was very dehydrated the iv should be out today as well.

Much Love,
K

 
 

Haven’t you ever…

-just gotten tired of writing? As if life sometimes doesn’t suck enough, let me constantly relive it through my own writing. Lol. Unfortunately I still feel the need to bitch about things in my life. So I’m still going to do it.

Apparently the group I work in is trying to separate itself from our department. Going in a different direction, per say. And while I’m open to most changes in my life, I’m having quite a few reservations about this as a whole. We were relatively safe as we were in the company, there would always be a need for the job that I do. Because, hello, everyone has to pay taxes. Last week (Friday to be exact) my co-worker and myself had a new type of project thrown onto our plates. Not a big deal really, easy powerpoint presentation. And after our supervisor submitted it, it was approved right away. Which is unheard of.

However, it concerns me. Usuallly having a project taken out of our hands and made into something that will be utilized doesn’t bother me, I expect for someone else to get the credit. This time it truly bothered me. We worked our asses off on this, and I just know it’s going to happen again. Whether it be that my boss takes all the glory or the “golden boy” of our department takes it and completely tears it apart and only uses just one page out of the whole project. It bothers me to the point, I was nearly sick last night.

 It was weird, I’ve never actually cared that much. Maybe its because I honestly believe that this entire project should be implemented. Considering how much it would help, and how many calls it would cut down.  Doesn’t really matter now, it’s out of our hands. *sigh*

And I hope all of you with your 70 degree weather are enjoying it. It feels like the gates of hell have opened over North Carolina. It will ONLY be 95 degrees today. “Only” my foot connecting with the weathergirl’s butt. And though I am fully aware of the fact that I live in the south, 95 is freaking hot. Especially when you begin to factor in our normal humidity, which will bring it up to nearly 100.

 

Have a great one!

Much Love,
K

Tsk Tsk

So, I made it very well known that I was reading the book. But I found it hard to actually write my thoughts on it. No, it most certainly did not change what my mind set on the matter. I wanted to be tactful and avoid offending that many people. Then I thought about it more…this is my damn blog. If I offend, it’s my opinion and that’s the great thing about this nation. And I will still love you all…even if you are wrong. Hehe.  If you are wanting to read this book, I wouldn’t advise reading the rest of this post. It’s not like you don’t know what the end result is, but I may influence your own opinions and I do not want to be unfair.

I finished reading the book last Thursday. I was disgusted for the majority of it. Even if I had read what OJ had written with a completely open mind, I still would have come away with the same decision. Guilty.

GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! THAT ASSHOLE IS GUILTY!!!!!!

I felt like screaming it after I was finished. I would read it on my lunch at work and my co-workers could hear me cursing at the book, some of the bullshit this guy was writing grated my nerves. Everything was his ex-wife’s fault, he did nothing wrong, she was drugged out, she was a slush, she did this and that and he was the perfect ex-husband. It’s very obvious this was going to be a biased book, but I figured he would at least try to even everything out to put all to rest. Oh, I’ve never been that freaking wrong before. It was ludicrous! Let me tell you about the murders “hypothetically” of course, because we all write books about the murders of our exes hypothetically. Right? Some of the details he added throughout the “scene” were remarkable, and disturbing.  And you read this keeping in mind what his Ghostwriter had written in the prologue. Originally the chapter had many more details, however at the last minute OJ decided to take them out after being advised to do so. Leaving the murders as if he had been blinded by anger and just started slashing, unable to remember the incident at all. Bastard.

So there you go, that’s what I thought about it. Every time I think about it my skin crawls, actually he makes my skin crawl. The perfect murder in a sense. Although the majority of us know he did this or at least had a hand in doing this, he will never be brought to justice. Thank you Double Jeopardy, and the backhanded way of letting many of the guilty go free.

I’m very glad I only checked it out at the Library, and didn’t spend my hard earned money. However, I would definitely say to read it. It may open the eyes of many to the true nature of this man.

Much Love,
K

“These cracks that I show…”

This pretty much sums up how I feel today…

*sigh*

K