At a loss…

My thoughts have seemed overshadowed, stupid and shallow. The news I received Monday via text from my best friend Meche both shocked and saddened me for the family and friends of a guy who went to school with us. He was a year beneath us, if I’m not mistaken. He was killed Sunday while serving in Afghanistan. And as unfathomable as it is, messages and bulletins and comments left on his myspace page just further saddens all of us as reality sets in. 

This news also made my thoughts immediately shift to my good friend still overseas serving in Germany and the constant fear of his being sent to the front lines, subsequently bringing me to the verge of tears.

I put off writing this post, I’m not sure why. Maybe because in my mind I thought it would hold back the pain for those who read my blog that knew him, or maybe to keep my own thoughts from wondering to thinking about Ace.

Though, I didn’t know him very well. Just the usual passing in the halls and what not, I remember him being very well liked and always seemed to be kindhearted and smiling. My prayers and thoughts are with Pruitt’s family and close friends. He was an outstanding man, and I know myself and my family will always be grateful for his service to our country. God bless his family during their time of grieving and know your son will be in many of our hearts and prayers.

Rest in Peace Pruitt Rainey.

Much Love,
K

Hello, My name is Kim…and I am a troublemaker

I’m not sure about other small town newspapers but my town’s newspaper is available online (as well as in print), with the option of signing into a forum of sorts to be able to leave comments on the stories. It’s a community feedback feature that I am very happy they have most of the time. Other times it makes me sick to my stomach to think that we truly have that many morons living amongst us in that close of a vicinity.

I’m known in that forum area by my nickname, from my online game WoW, and I have become one of the six most anticipated feedbacks on the major stories that are put out there. Anticipated, however, does not mean most agree or even like what I have to say. I was on the debate team growing up, trust me…I know how to argue and get my point across. The only few people who have ever shut me up or to out argue me is my mother/family and my roomie’s lawyer sister (which shouldn’t count…she’s had formal training!)

Either way the few of us regular commenters have an unwritten respect for one another’s views, though we may not agree 90% of the time. I have to be extremely passionate about a subject to comment more than once, usually just leaving it alone to those who like to fight it out. Being one of the youngest posters there, I’m used to being belittled for my age and for “inexperience” in the world. Some are right in that assumption, I am not familiar with what is going on with DSS and other government agencies in our area so I stay out of it.

Why am I bringing this up in my blog, you might be asking yourself. That is because I want your feedback to figure out if perhaps I am wrong with where I stand on a certian subject. Most of those who read my blog are unaware of the history in my family (my step-father’s side) and are unaware of what happened shortly before my high school graduation to bring me to be so passionate about this subject.

Driving under the influence.

I’m not here to reprimand, it isn’t my job. I’m here to get your honest feelings on the subject.
Backstory:
Quite a few years ago, my then mother’s fiancee’s brother- killed himself and two other’s in another car driving on the wrong side of the interstate after drinking one night. (please save the damnation, he suffered the worst possible outcome. And though what he did was wrong, it still hurts his family and daughter)

Jan. 1, 2003- A very well known and liked friend was killed after an accident that involved “substances” (they never clarified- but we all knew), he never got to walk across the stage with us that year.

 Thus bringing us back to Monday, the local paper ran a story about a checkpoint the police department sponsored by the MADD of our county set up to catch drunken drivers and other’s under the influence of mind altering drugs. They caught 62 people on varies offenses dealing with the checkpoint. The majority being DUI/DWI.
Someone on the forum believes that these checkpoints are unfounded and unconstitutional and they are taking away are rights.
I countered him, what about our rights as the people to be able to drive down the road without having the chance of being killed by someone who is under the influence.
He “blew” me out of the water, saying that I was “Anti-American” and “Condescending” and that because of people like me, we will all lose our rights to the government. Once again I countered him.

Here’s an exerpt of the last two posts from us:

INSERT PERSON’S NAME HERE wrote: “If you haven’t done anything wrong, what is your problem with it? “ And therein lies the biggest fallacy of those who don’t give a s*&t about our Rights. It’s not that I have something to hide, it’s about having something to protect. It’s called the Constitution. Remember this little quote? “They that can give up any essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither safety nor liberty” Ben Franklin knew what he was saying. ANOTHER PERSON ON FORUM “The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.” It’s called the 9th Amendment to the Constitution. It reminds the Government that if something is not expressly written in the fist ten Amendments it is still retained as a Right owned by the People. You need to remember. It is the People who have Rights. The States only have powers and privileges. As long as you think you don’t have a Right to travel, in your own conveyance, then the Government will continue to treat you like you have no Right to it. Either declare and fight for your Rights or forever lose them. It’s how government has worked for centuries. INSERT MY NAME HERE  wrote: PERSON’S NAME HERE- You have more underlying issues with the government than just a check point and people begging for money in the middle of an intersection. It seems to me you feel no matter what is going on they are trying to take away OUR rights. In 2006 1,558 people were killed in drunken driving related accidents in NC alone not including other driving under the influence with other impairing drugs resulting in fatalities. 42,532 deaths nationwide (in 2006) for both instances. So once again I reiterate, how dare you say that their stopping everyone to bring those horrible numbers down is unethical. WE AS THE PEOPLE deserve the right to be as safe as possible, which is the law ENFORCEMENT’s job…enforce the law. And the law is to NOT drive drunk or under the influence of mind altering drugs. We at least know they saved 62 lives that night. If their arresting/stopping drunken drivers was a violation of the Bill of Rights and our Constitution in general it would have been taken to and won a judgement against YEARS ago in the supreme court system.

So that is the jest of what we were fighting about.  (Btw- the “Another Person on Forum” is where he was addressing someone else)

What are your feelings on the subject? Do you feel that it is too invasive and unconstitutional or do you feel that is the law enforcement’s job to protect us?

Much Love,
K

Very Interesting

So I was going through my myspace blog account and came across this blog I had written a few years ago. It was after a conversation with my friend Meche. And the premise of the post was that many assume what you are like before ever getting to know you. Judging you before ever even speaking, we’re all guilty of it. I also talk about hiding behind walls and masks, and the person I really am and the missed opportunities and the ‘What Ifs’ of life. It was very interesting to read to say the least. I’m not sure if I still agree with what I wrote or not, but that’s the fun of growing older I suppose.
Here’s an excerpt:

“I never imagined I would be where I am today. In many ways I am a failure, in others a survivor. I have been through unimaginable situations, I have seen things I still have nightmares about. I am not feeling sorry for myself, that’s just not who I am. I believe God has put me here for a reason. I don’t know his path for me yet. I have no doubt in my mind though, I want to help others.
For the longest time I thought my world was shattered after some of things I have been through, and yet…here I am. I have picked up the pieces and have moved on. This blog isn’t a cry for help, don’t get that impression. I don’t need the violins going and what not. Everyone has been through devastating things in their lives. I have missed chances where I could have given the effort to be happy. I have also given up some of those chances by choice. Others…I didn’t know existed until I spoke up about them, and now it’s too late. (yes…you know what I am talking about if you remember the conversation). I do not believe we are meant to just settle on something, we are given choices. My choice is to be upfront and honest, what’s yours?
I am much deeper than most think. I am intelligent when I need to be. I do have thoughts that won’t leave me until I write them down, then again that’s the whole reason for having a journal or a blog isn’t it?  If you are wondering where this is coming from…ask the question…don’t make assumptions. You may not know what you think you know about me. I keep to myself most of the time and I do not voice my opinions unless I truly feel something is wrong with a situation or I am asked. That doesn’t mean I am trying to judge you, it’s my opinion don’t ask for it if you aren’t wanting the truth. I don’t believe that running from problems are going to get anyone anywhere. I’m tired of running…and I’m tired of putting on masks. I’m too old and I have too much to offer someone. “

Had sort of a flashback for a moment. I’m not sure what prompted me to write it. But hey, it makes sense to me. The other parts of the blog are too personal, and I’d rather not share. But reviewing this did bring a quote to mind, that at the time I wrote the post I didn’t know:

“Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.”- Lois McMaster Bujold

Take it as you will

Looking back- have your opinions change? Or have you reinvented yourself? If so, are you happy with what you’ve become and/or decided?

 

Much Love,
K

 

Who woulda thunk it…

 (I really cringed a bit when I wrote that title btw)
Saturday my mom and step-father had a HUGE cookout at their house filled with family, friends, our family’s friends…etc etc etc. We’re talking nearly 100 people showed up throughout the entire event. Which went on from 1pm to 6pm and probably would have went on longer had a storm not started up.

I had no idea who a good portion of the people there. However, I did know more than I thought I would. And quite a few knew me, surprisingly enough. One man used to work with mom a long time ago, I didn’t remember him until he started talking about the drink machine downstairs at her work. I used to con all the men into buying me drinks after school and to get help with my homework. Even at the age of 10, I knew I was in control! It was hilarious.

The kids would attack us with water pistols and the occasional bubbles, then run away screaming at the top of their lungs. The adults threw horseshoes and played bat-mitten or volleyball. We ate, became miserable then ate somemore. And I learned how to throw horseshoes!! Before finally making it towards the little pole, I almost took my roomie’s head off, twice…and a window. But it’s part of the learning process right? Lol.

On top of all that it was my god-brother’s graduation that day as well, extremely proud of him. And I feel extremely old too.

Enjoy the slideshow below:

| View Show | Create Your Own

Hope you have a great day!

Much Love,
K

Haven’t you ever…

-just gotten tired of writing? As if life sometimes doesn’t suck enough, let me constantly relive it through my own writing. Lol. Unfortunately I still feel the need to bitch about things in my life. So I’m still going to do it.

Apparently the group I work in is trying to separate itself from our department. Going in a different direction, per say. And while I’m open to most changes in my life, I’m having quite a few reservations about this as a whole. We were relatively safe as we were in the company, there would always be a need for the job that I do. Because, hello, everyone has to pay taxes. Last week (Friday to be exact) my co-worker and myself had a new type of project thrown onto our plates. Not a big deal really, easy powerpoint presentation. And after our supervisor submitted it, it was approved right away. Which is unheard of.

However, it concerns me. Usuallly having a project taken out of our hands and made into something that will be utilized doesn’t bother me, I expect for someone else to get the credit. This time it truly bothered me. We worked our asses off on this, and I just know it’s going to happen again. Whether it be that my boss takes all the glory or the “golden boy” of our department takes it and completely tears it apart and only uses just one page out of the whole project. It bothers me to the point, I was nearly sick last night.

 It was weird, I’ve never actually cared that much. Maybe its because I honestly believe that this entire project should be implemented. Considering how much it would help, and how many calls it would cut down.  Doesn’t really matter now, it’s out of our hands. *sigh*

And I hope all of you with your 70 degree weather are enjoying it. It feels like the gates of hell have opened over North Carolina. It will ONLY be 95 degrees today. “Only” my foot connecting with the weathergirl’s butt. And though I am fully aware of the fact that I live in the south, 95 is freaking hot. Especially when you begin to factor in our normal humidity, which will bring it up to nearly 100.

 

Have a great one!

Much Love,
K

Tsk Tsk

So, I made it very well known that I was reading the book. But I found it hard to actually write my thoughts on it. No, it most certainly did not change what my mind set on the matter. I wanted to be tactful and avoid offending that many people. Then I thought about it more…this is my damn blog. If I offend, it’s my opinion and that’s the great thing about this nation. And I will still love you all…even if you are wrong. Hehe.  If you are wanting to read this book, I wouldn’t advise reading the rest of this post. It’s not like you don’t know what the end result is, but I may influence your own opinions and I do not want to be unfair.

I finished reading the book last Thursday. I was disgusted for the majority of it. Even if I had read what OJ had written with a completely open mind, I still would have come away with the same decision. Guilty.

GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! THAT ASSHOLE IS GUILTY!!!!!!

I felt like screaming it after I was finished. I would read it on my lunch at work and my co-workers could hear me cursing at the book, some of the bullshit this guy was writing grated my nerves. Everything was his ex-wife’s fault, he did nothing wrong, she was drugged out, she was a slush, she did this and that and he was the perfect ex-husband. It’s very obvious this was going to be a biased book, but I figured he would at least try to even everything out to put all to rest. Oh, I’ve never been that freaking wrong before. It was ludicrous! Let me tell you about the murders “hypothetically” of course, because we all write books about the murders of our exes hypothetically. Right? Some of the details he added throughout the “scene” were remarkable, and disturbing.  And you read this keeping in mind what his Ghostwriter had written in the prologue. Originally the chapter had many more details, however at the last minute OJ decided to take them out after being advised to do so. Leaving the murders as if he had been blinded by anger and just started slashing, unable to remember the incident at all. Bastard.

So there you go, that’s what I thought about it. Every time I think about it my skin crawls, actually he makes my skin crawl. The perfect murder in a sense. Although the majority of us know he did this or at least had a hand in doing this, he will never be brought to justice. Thank you Double Jeopardy, and the backhanded way of letting many of the guilty go free.

I’m very glad I only checked it out at the Library, and didn’t spend my hard earned money. However, I would definitely say to read it. It may open the eyes of many to the true nature of this man.

Much Love,
K

Hm.

Here are a few pics of what I did this weekend:

Began the process of fixing up the bathroom…

And puppy sat for Mim while she is in NY! Like how his paws are green and he’s on the couch, I didn’t have the heart to make him get down.

Also this weekend there was a tragedy. A young boy that myself and my best friend met while part of the LINKS program in high school (we were like teaching aids to autistic classrooms) was killed on Saturday. And although it was 5/6 years ago, the mark those children left on me will never be erased. I remember putting together my project involving the children and honestly, it did not matter how horrible of a day you were having…the moment one of them would smile at you everything would melt away. I’m not sure if I taught them, or they taught me really.
He was definitely one of those children you could never forget. God bless him and his family.

I hope you all had a safe weekend.

Much Love,
K

So you wanted to know…

So here are the questions I was asked:

Margarita asked:
What’s your favorite outfit?
A: I really do not have a favorite honestly. I like comfort (total southerner, can you tell?) I’m a jeans girl if you want to get down to it. I love jeans for the fact I can dress them up or down.

Who would you call if you were arrested at 5 in the morning?
A: Depending on what I did, more than likely I would call my mom to bail my butt out. It would have to be something competely out of character of me to get arrested, so I could probably plead insanity and she wouldn’t scold me. Hehe.

What’s your ideal first date?
A: Hmm. That’s a really great question. I suppose, the best date for me would be going somewhere that I could get to know the other person a bit better, not like a bar or a club. I believe in talking out everything, I’m not one to jump the gun and usually in those settings you have to practically be all over one another just to hear him say “Want a drink?”. It has to be a place that we were both comfortable and we can have fun, I’m such an introvert it takes me awhile to actually open up. So being in a setting that there are others having fun, will get me out of my shell a lot easier.

The lovely Birdie asked:
What are your Sunday’s like? Are you a lazy Sunday sunshine seeker, or a motivated, let’s do all my errands- Sunday kind of girl?
A: I’m a mixture of both actually. I usually just lounge around the house in the morning and ease my way into the day, and then clean like a mad woman all afternoon. Lol. Unlike this past weekend, where I was so tired I did absolutely NOTHING all day until I was promised chinese food if I were to get up and off the couch and go to Mim’s hubby’s store for a bit with my roomie. Damn her and her knowing the right buttons to push to get my butt into gear!

So now, I’m going to mix it up a bit. I’m going to ask you guys a few questions and I want you to answer them. Yes you can pick and choose which you want to answer

1. Are you where you thought you would be at this age? If not, are you still happy with the outcome?
2. If you could do your dream job, what would it be?
3. Do you believe in fate and karma?
4. If you could describe your life in a music genre, what would it be?
5. Hobbies?
6. What is your guilty pleasure?

So there you go. I’ll answer my own questions later

Much Love,
K

When will it be enough?

Upon meeting her a few years ago, I can remember how she was full of charisma. A person who loved so many, would give the shirt off her back and her pants too if they were needed; she has spent her entire life giving to others. Serving her country in the Navy, as a Firefighter, a Paramedic, she even began to train as a Police Officer before moving here where she now is a Resident Care Director at a full care facility.
After so many years of abusing her body helping aid all those in need, obviously she has gotten older and her body just can not take the constant rattling and lifting. She still does it though, no questions asked…never complaining.
Very little is known of my room mate, my best friend. A few years ago, she started having horrible headaches on the right side of her head and she began to list to the left as she walked. She would work through this; ignore the symptoms just to drudge through the day. But things began to change two years ago; I stopped by her apartment on my lunch to check on her, she hadn’t been feeling right for a few days. I knocked and received no answer. She had recently given me a key to the apartment, so I opened the door and was shocked to see she was posed in what can only be explained as an almost catatonic state, curled into a ball on the computer chair. Horrified, a friend and I rushed her to the hospital. After all it seemed like she was having a seizure, her eyes were rolled back, her face was completely white, lips were blue and her entire body was shaking and jumping.
But it wasn’t a seizure. No one could explain what happened. It just seemed to come and go quickly with no indication as to why and how. Although it never happened again, she began to have benign tremors, the headaches were persistent, and she would stutter horribly. And she couldn’t take care of herself for nearly 3 months, and I moved in with her to help as much as I could. She was alone here with no family. It was hard on both of us; it was demeaning to the caregiver that was now the one who needed the care. She couldn’t dress, feed, bath or even go to the bathroom by herself. And I gave it my all, while still working at my job. Honestly, I know I should have been fired. My boss was more than understanding and I am truly grateful to work for such a compassionate person.
During this time, she still visited her GP and a neurologist, and no one could figure out what was going on. Finally the neurologist ordered a test for B12, and she had abnormal levels. He ordered the shots and the oral supplements, but they didn’t seem to help. After many failed attempts at other medicines, and two near death experiences because of allergies to two of the attempts, suddenly she was fine. When she went back to the GP he told her to see a psychologist, because this was only in her head. Outraged, doesn’t begin to explain how I felt. Abandoned, alone, hurt, and completely crushed for her. He didn’t believe these things were happening. All the tests we re returning as normal, except the B12 blood test. It didn’t make any sense, it isn’t logical for just one deficiency to cause these types of problems.
Or was it? After consulting her neurologist again she soon found out that this type of deficiency was a warning sign for MS…multiple sclerosis. However, the diagnosis can take from 7 to 10 years.   
It had been about a year since the last time she had any problems, until Monday. I received a call at work at about 3pm, from her boss informing me she was taking her to the hospital…it was happening again. I left work immediately, over the past two years I began to keep a notebook of all of her symptoms and I had all of her information. We waited for nearly 5 hours before anyone would take her back, insane and completely uncalled for. I, needless to say, was becoming more irate by the moment. I needed sanity, just one moment…to breathe. I was overwhelmed by the time she had gotten seen, it was over and she was just tired. I called Mim; I didn’t know what else to do. I was beginning to have an anxiety attack and I knew better than to let T see me like that. It would upset her and she had been through enough, she needed to rest. After persistently telling her we were fine, and everything was ok not to worry. I nearly burst into tears when I saw her and her hubby walking towards us as we were leaving. I was relieved to not feel alone, and I know T was elated to see someone else cared.
The diagnosis was “Weakness”, seriously. And she was told to make an appointment to see the neurologist again. I do not know how she does it. I would have given up long ago, but she keeps fighting, holding her head high and believing some day someone will be able to help.
I heard a song today on the way to work, that inspired me to actually write her story. And though, she’s going to be angry I shared it…I have the hope perhaps someone will read my modest blog and have some answers. If not, at least I know someone may find this who is going through the same thing…and know they aren’t alone.
The song is “Stand Back Up” by Sugarland, unfortunately I was not able to find a good video for it…but here are a couple of verses.
 
“Go ahead and take your best shot,
Let ‘er rip, give it all you’ve got,
I’m laid out on the floor, but I’ve been here before,
I may stumble, yeah I might fall,
I’m only human, aren’t we all?
I might lose my way, but hear me when I say,

I will stand back up,
You’ll know just the moment when I’ve had enough,
Sometimes I’m afraid, and I don’t feel that tough,
But I’ll stand back up,

I’ve been beaten up and bruised,
I’ve been kicked right off my shoes,
Been down on my knees more times than you’d believe,
When the darkness tries to get me,
There’s a light that just wont let me,
It might take my pride, and tears may fill my eyes,
But I’ll stand back up,

I’ve weathered all these storms,
But I just turn them into wind, so I can fly,
If what don’t kill you makes you stronger,
When I take my last breath,
That’s when I’ll just give up,”

God Bless.

K

Ow….ow….OW…

Ok, Mim has talked about her morning routine with Yoga On Demand. (yay for free!) However, last weekend when she showed me what channel it was- she failed to mention the prompt ass kicking I was going to have. I am giving her props right now, I wanted to die.

So I figured today was the beginning of a new month, why not begin my own routine now?
HOLY FREAKING COW. It has been years since I’ve done (read as attempted) yoga, years since my body has twisted itself into odd positions and “breathing” while doing so.  I’m going to be awesome at twister after I get used to it again.

I knew I was out of shape (obviously, hello) but holy crap, getting into warrior 1…let’s just say it didn’t happen the way it was supposed to. You’re supposed to start in the general position of laying on your stomach, with your fingers completely splayed as well as your toes and “gently” roll up (blah blah a few more moves) all the while “breathing”…there was no breathing..there was gasping. I would like to make the statement that they need a yoga for 1. fat people and 2. heavy chested fat people. By the time I made it to the warrior 1 position, I felt like my leg was twisting into a pretzel by itself. As if on queue my roomie walked into the living room and promptly busted out laughing at my failed attempt to be graceful. And she continued to snicker as I finished the 10 minutes of hell, knowing I couldn’t make her do it (2 knee surgeries + yoga= not going to happen).

It was amazing, I feel so refreshed and alive!! I had forgotten how great you feel after the toture and that’s what makes the awkward stances so wonderful! So Mim has made a believer out of me again, and you should try it too.

Also, 3 days until the beach…just saying.

Much Love,
K