Doors

I can’t explain my actions. The burden runs through my entire family. Dreams and feelings, like lead in my stomach. I can feel it before it happens or while it’s going on.

I have never felt this lead so heavy before. I know in my gut something is not right, I’ve tried to shake it. Many times. My guard is up and the flags are at full attention. It is impossible to describe the tremendous amount of fear and hatred surrounding these dreams about this person. I liken the fear to venom and the hatred as total darkness. Vivid, terrifying dreams. Movies in my head that are worse than any horror flick I’ve ever seen. I want to stop them, but I can’t. Obviously there is a reason I’m having these dreams, they are a warning.

I told her, knowing better.  I should have kept my thoughts and dreams to myself.  Between the dreams or the guilt that consumed me I don’t know which is more of a disgusting feeling. To stand in the way of anyone’s happiness is not a pleasant thought to me. Especially someone that I care so much for. So I told her to do what she wanted to, I’d deal with the images for the rest of my life if it meant she was happy. I’m not completely sure I can, but I’m going to try.

So now here I sit. Guilt and hatred from both sides of the fence completely enveloping me. I gave her the green light to do what I know is going to lead to an end. Our friendship is my world, for the past few years I’ve given up everything to make sure she was ok, mentally and physically. And having to walk away is the most painful thing I will ever do. But for me to promise not to do something rash to stop the inevitable is not something I can do. I’ve never been a good liar. I would rather just walk away than burn bridges.

Happiness is a fickle term to me. Regardless of what I do or feel, I try to please too many at one time. Under normal circumstances, I would lay down and take it.

I can’t do it this time. I hope the saying is true: when one door closes, another opens.

I’m not sure what else to do or say at this point. I seem to be letting everyone down around me regardless of my actions.

K