It’s a two way street

Under normal circumstances, I like being right. This time, however, I do not.

My dreams, though not all of them…were right. But this is not a joyful “Hahah! I told you SO!” right. No, this is a “My best friend is in a twisted sort of pain” right.

And in one instant all of the weight on my back was lifted.

You can only keep a facade for so long. And now, she blames herself. But, I see the horizon after all of this rain.

And I know that person’s name too.

Have a great weekend.

Much love,

K
Song of the Day: Thank you for not giving in squishy.

Doors

I can’t explain my actions. The burden runs through my entire family. Dreams and feelings, like lead in my stomach. I can feel it before it happens or while it’s going on.

I have never felt this lead so heavy before. I know in my gut something is not right, I’ve tried to shake it. Many times. My guard is up and the flags are at full attention. It is impossible to describe the tremendous amount of fear and hatred surrounding these dreams about this person. I liken the fear to venom and the hatred as total darkness. Vivid, terrifying dreams. Movies in my head that are worse than any horror flick I’ve ever seen. I want to stop them, but I can’t. Obviously there is a reason I’m having these dreams, they are a warning.

I told her, knowing better.  I should have kept my thoughts and dreams to myself.  Between the dreams or the guilt that consumed me I don’t know which is more of a disgusting feeling. To stand in the way of anyone’s happiness is not a pleasant thought to me. Especially someone that I care so much for. So I told her to do what she wanted to, I’d deal with the images for the rest of my life if it meant she was happy. I’m not completely sure I can, but I’m going to try.

So now here I sit. Guilt and hatred from both sides of the fence completely enveloping me. I gave her the green light to do what I know is going to lead to an end. Our friendship is my world, for the past few years I’ve given up everything to make sure she was ok, mentally and physically. And having to walk away is the most painful thing I will ever do. But for me to promise not to do something rash to stop the inevitable is not something I can do. I’ve never been a good liar. I would rather just walk away than burn bridges.

Happiness is a fickle term to me. Regardless of what I do or feel, I try to please too many at one time. Under normal circumstances, I would lay down and take it.

I can’t do it this time. I hope the saying is true: when one door closes, another opens.

I’m not sure what else to do or say at this point. I seem to be letting everyone down around me regardless of my actions.

K

the frog and the tin foil prince

I will be completely honest with you all, apparently my very first kiss was such a horrible experience that my mind has repressed the majority of  it. And I’d rather not drudge up a memory that could possibly make me vomit or cause me to keep a permanent lemon face. Though I’m sure that look is quite attractive. 

I will still take part in this post just with a  little spin on it. I mean come on! You all know I can’t just write about a kiss. Too straight forward. So instead I’m going to break this up into the worst/best kiss.

Worst:
Believe it or not, my worst kiss was not the first one. As disgusting as that vague memory seems it does not hold a candle to this story.
I couldn’t have been more than 14 years old, and by that time I had enough practice to know what I was doing. Apparently the guy  did not. So there we were at our school dance (a collective “aww” is in order if you remember those things) and I was so excited because I’d been crushing on him for a long time (a.k.a. maybe two months, you know how time is different then from  now) and he had asked me to the dance! I was certain that meant he was into me which is always a great feeling. The end of the dance came and as we were leaving he leaned to kiss me and I obliged, only he missed and started kissing the space between my nose and my top lip. After half of a second I tried to tell him he had missed his mark, but as the words came out of my mouth he basically mimicked a frog and flung his tongue out of his mouth and  licked/stuck his tongue up my nose. It was incredibly gross. He finally realized his error and went for my mouth again. And I thought he was going to eat my face! Way too eager. I found out years later that was actually his first kiss, and he had no clue what to do. We laugh about it now but the thought is still pretty disgusting.

 

Best: (So, I’ve found that it’s difficult to write about happy things when you’ve been having a week from hell…I apologize if this isn’t all mushy and crap )
I honestly have a few that would be considered the “best” ever. But my favorite thus far is actually the first time my boyfriend kissed me.
We had been “seeing” one another for a few weeks and I was really confused why he hadn’t even tried to kiss me yet. Granted we have known each other for years and we were not sure if we wanted to move past that ‘just friends’ stage or not. It was extremely frustrating. One night we were sitting on my couch watching Christmas movies, after deciding to watch The Grinch (Jim Carrey’s…yay!) he had turned to make fun of something on the movie and we were inches from one another. And I think he was going in for the kiss but I busted out laughing, right in his face. Super embarrassing but totally something I do regularly when I get nervous. (he has since learned this) After a few minutes I wasn’t exactly sure what to do. Obviously my attention was not with the little green fellow on the screen. And I’m not completely certain what I did to get his attention but it was a mutual kiss, neither one of us started it really. And it was great. I’m not sure I breathed for awhile. Hehe, nothing more romantic than “You’re a mean one” playing in the background. That movie will never be the same and definitely sets that kiss apart, and will stand out in my mind for a very long time. 

 
So now that I’ve completely embarrassed myself by telling too personal details of my life. Make sure you do too.

Much Love,
K
Song of the Day: You all should see this one coming…

You aren’t a true jedi…

…until you have been in a car going down the interstate with your boss and someone suddenly throws a sign in their rear window stating “Show Me Your Boobs”. The kid couldn’t have been older than 13 years old. Start’em young!

…until a bum hits on you, but not for money.

…until a chick (who you thought was a guy at first, then had a great laugh with your roomie later about it)  in the car next to you is checking you out.

…until a guy with a mullet, missing 95% of his teeth, in a torn nascar shirt and cut off jeans (in WINTER) and reeks of cheap booze hits/stumbles onto you in the line to pay for gas then uses the excuse “Ya musta blinded me with ya purtiness, ehahaha”.

…until the cutest kid you’ve ever seen says to you “You’re pretty” Ok so maybe I’m biased on the kid, but come on…it was cute…and he had an  accent.

…until your boyfriend can’t seem to get enough of you , and trust I was not happy yesterday was not Friday. 

And finally, all of those things happening in ONE day. Damn, I must have looked fairly decent yesterday…

Have a fantastic weekend!

Much love,
K
P.S. I finally got my hair cut. Yay! 4 1/2 inches later, sooo happy I finally did it. And I was still able to donate that little bit.

Song of the day:

Clean Slate

I hope everyone had a safe and happy new year!

(L-R: Mim and Me- At her New Year Party!)

New beginnings are half the fun of the New Year, let last year roll off of your shoulders and start life anew!

Here’s to hoping 2009 is the best yet!

Much Love,
K